It’s time for the Get Your Pitch On Pre-competition critique workshops! For info on the competition itself, please click on the image above and for information on how to get your pitch workshopped, check out this post. (Yes! We are still taking pitches to workshop!)
Don’t forget! For each critique you leave in the comments, you get an entry in the drawing for one of eigh 10-page critique from workshop hosts Sharon Johnston, Larissa Hardesty, Stephanie Diaz, Catherine Scully, Jodie Andrefski, Paula Sangare, Talynn Lynn and Kaitlin Adams. Also yours truly will be giving away three query critiques. Please use the exact same name for all of your comments. The opportunity ends October 14. See this list of participating blogs so you can hop around and get as many entries as possible!
Now, let the games begin…
Title: The Deadlies
Genre: YA Paranormal
Word Count: 54,000
Pitch: For Calliope Flood, fitting in at a new school is hard. It’s even harder when you’ve come to the unwanted attention of the prettiest and most privileged girls in the school. And it’s especially difficult when those girls are possessed of more than just good ole’ Southern charm; they are also possessed by the demons of the Seven Deadly Sins.
My Comments:
For Calliope Flood, fitting in at a new school is hard. It’s even harder There is technically nothing wrong with this, but it is cliche and way over-used. Agents and editors have seen thousands of queries that begin this way, so if you can find a different, unique way to begin, you should. when you’ve come to the unwanted attention of the prettiest and most privileged girls in the school. And it’s especially difficult when those girls are possessed of more than just good ole’ Southern charm; they are also possessed by the demons of the Seven Deadly Sins. This last phrase here is your hook. For me, I’d like to see this earlier on in the pitch, because right up until those last nine words, your book sounds like thousands of others.
Also, your pitch here is just the setup. I’d like to get an idea of what happens in the book. What does your character do? Let me take a crack at this:
When Calliope Flood catches the unwanted attention of the prettiest and most privileged girls at her new school, she learns they’re possessed of more than just good ole’ Southern charm; they are also possessed by the demons of the Seven Deadly Sins. [something terrible happens] and Calliope must [do something brave/smart/whatever ] to [reach her goal].
I hope that helps and, as always, commenters are encouraged to provide their own feedback – whether it agrees or disagrees with mine!
I love the hook that the girls are specifically possessed by the secen deadly sins, and the Southern charm detail gives a nice taste of the unique flavor of the book.
I think Sarah’s feedback is on the mark. It would be wonderful to know a little more about what kind of threat these girls pose and what it means for Calliope.
Really nice pitch and good luck :)
Sarah’a rewrite seems to be more active. Love the Southern charm angle. It gives a good girl, bad girl spin. You might look at building more suspense in this pitch. Where is the book going, why should I be concerned for Calliope? I would also look at eliminating the redundancy of the word possessed.
Good Luck ! :)
I also agree that the feedback is spot on. I know that deciding just what to say in a short pitch is dreadfully painful. The seven deadly sins angle is unique but I’d love to know more about what this means to the MC. And since it’s a romance, definitely try to explain how he fits in! :)
Love the concept of the Seven Deadly Sins. It’s original and interesting. The bit about the girls being the prettiest and most privileged is a bit much I think, I mean, aren’t they always? Why has she come to the attention of these girls? Is it because of who she is, or is it unwittingly?
I love the whole idea, good luck with it!
The concept of the 7 deadly sins is very original and must be at the beginning also if it’s a paranormal romance we need to know about him.
I think Sarah gave you great suggestion for you to show the stakes at the end and you can shorten the girls sentences and add one of the romantic interes.
It’s only a suggestion and I hope I can help!
The 7 Deadly Sins hook is catchy, but without any stakes involved (other than trying to fit in at the new school), I’m not really hooked. Why do we care that the mean girls are REALLY mean girls? Does your MC have to stop them? How? Why? What will happen if she fails? Hope this helps :)
This sounds fun, but I think the last sentence should be the first. You need to start with a good hook that makes us go, “Oh, I wasn’t expecting that!” Currently, the first sentence is fine, but there’s no hook–most teenagers feel like they don’t fit in at some point or in many situations–so this isn’t “special.”
Also, it is important to give us a bit more info about Callipoe, or at least what the major conflict is and what the stakes are. I get the conflict, I guess, but what are the stakes? That the 7 deadly sins will get loose (like they aren’t already!)? That the bitches will kill her? Take over the world?
Anyway, I think if you start with your current ending and then give us more info about the conflict and stakes, you’ll be set!
Best of luck!
I love Sarah’s comments and rewrite, especially the additional, more specific information at the end. Good luck!
Thanks for all the great comments. With only a short amount of words, it was difficult to get Callie’s conflict in there. I think my finished pitch does that. The critiques were invaluable. Good luck to us all!