It’s time for the Get Your Pitch On Pre-competition critique workshops! For info on the competition itself, please click on the image above and for information on how to get your pitch workshopped, check out this post. (Yes! We are still taking pitches to workshop!)
Don’t forget! For each critique you leave in the comments, you get an entry in the drawing for one of eigh 10-page critique from workshop hosts Sharon Johnston, Larissa Hardesty, Stephanie Diaz, Catherine Scully, Jodie Andrefski, Paula Sangare, Talynn Lynn and Kaitlin Adams. Also yours truly will be giving away three query critiques. Please use the exact same name for all of your comments. The opportunity ends October 14. See this list of participating blogs so you can hop around and get as many entries as possible!
Title: Adrift
Genre: YA Paranormal Contemporary Romance
Wordcount: 46,600
Pitch: Nineteen year old Meg Tanner is alone in the world. Her obsession with water leads her to meet Devin Horan and discover that her mother, whom she believed had drowned, was actually a selkie who escaped through the Gateway that has been protecting Earth from the Fae for three hundred years. Meg is forced to decide which world she belongs to, the human or the Fae, and somehow keep herself from drowning.
My thoughts…
Right off, that seems a little short for a YA Paranormal. Also, I’d just call it a “Paranormal Romance,” with no “Contemporary.”
Nineteen-year-old This is going to be a red flag for most people. I’ll talk more about this in Note 1 below Meg Tanner is alone in the world. Her obsession with water leads her to meet Devin Horan and he’s not mentioned again, we have no idea who he is or why he’s important, so I’d leave him out of the short pitch. discover that her mother, whom she believed had drowned, was actually a selkie who escaped through the Gateway that has been protecting Earth from the Fae for three hundred years. Meg is forced to decide which world she belongs to, the human or the Fae, and somehow keep herself from drowning. I don’t know why, but this isn’t working for me. (I know, that’s a terrible critique, sorry!) It feels heavy, a little sluggish? Maybe it’s just me – I’d definitely love to hear what the commenters think! And I’m not sure about the threat of drowning – is this a real, actual risk? I’m going to take a crack at rewriting this.
Nineteen-year-old loner Meg Tanner has always been inexplicably drawn to the water that took her mother’s life. When she discovers her mother didn’t drown, but is a Selkie who escaped through the Gateway that has been protecting humans from the Fae for three-hundred years, [something action-y, specific to your book, and exciting]. Meg has to decide between [consequences of remaining in the human world] and [consequences of joining the fae world].
Note 1: 19yo is generally regarded as too old for YA and not old enough for adult. I am one of the proponents of the New Adult/Upper YA age-group, but not everyone agrees with me (YET!). It is going to be a tough sell
I also just realized you had labeled this as a paranormal romance, but the pitch doesn’t give us any idea about romance. I’m assuming this Devin guy is the romantic interest?
As always, I encourage commenters to provide their feedback, whether or not it agrees with mine!
I was going to say the same thing…what’s the significance of Devin? If he has no role to play in the conflict, I’d leave him out. Hopefully, he has an important role though, or you’ve got no romance ;)
I love the idea of a book about selkies, and I want to know more about Meg, but I agree that this pitch feels a little sluggish. I think Sarah’s rewrite gives you a lot to work with.
The beginning of the pitch feels a bit to vague for me, but I do love the content of what you are working with in the story. Though I do like Sarah’s suggested wording for the end, you did do a nice job clarifying the kind of struggle Meg will be dealing with.
Best of luck :)
If this is a romance, and Devin is part of the romance, it would be a good idea to add more detail about him and the his love interest.
If romance is not a huge part of the story, then don’t mention Devin in the query.
Sounds like a great read. I’, writing a story about a Fae who must decide to stay with humans, or return to the Fae world, too:)
I agree with the sluggish aspect. I think that using shorter sentences might help a little. Personally, if you’re going to mention Devon in the pitch, than you need to focus a little more on the romantic angle and the problems that creates. It’s an interesting concept. Good luck!
Firstly, I like the idea of the selkies. It gives an instant intrigue to your pitch. However, I wonder about Devin and his romantic ties to the story. I just don’t get enough of a sense of who he is and how he connects with your MC in order for the romance side of your story to stand out. I agree with others that you can cut Contemporary as a genre descriptor. I have heard it said that it is better to try and pick one genre and stick with it. Paranormal Romance does this well, IMO. I do like the concept, and I think on the whole the pitch is intriguing, but it could do with some tightening as some of the sentences read a little clunky. Best of luck with this!
The premise of this draws me in from the start – always a good sign.
I was a bit confused about the romantic angle too.
A tough decision always works for me but a hint at the stakes would make it even better.
Best of luck.
=)
I think she is too old to really be labeled YA, as was mentioned above. The pitch to me feels very slow and weighed down with lots of information and little explanation. Also, the bit about her choosing between this world and the Fae world reminds me a lot of Julie Kagawa’s Iron Fey series, in which the main character was also a girl named Megan. Just throwing that out there so you are away.
aware… not away. Sorry.
My opinion is that if this is a paranormal romance then the query really needs to focus on the romance part of it – I assume that’s the hub of the story itself if it is a romance? So rather than cut Devin out my advice would be show exactly what role the romance has to play if that is your main story (or think about your genre description). Is Devin selkie or human? Does he form part of what’s tearing her between one world and the other?
I like the sound of a story about selkies and wish you luck with it; )
Hi, I’d leave the last line off, the bit about drowning, because the whole idea that she’s obsessed with the water, kind of indicates perhaps she can swim. Maybe the obsession with te water needs to be worded differently. Is she scared of the water because her mother died? Is she bewitched by the water because she is a selkie, but doesn’t know she is? I think you need to clarify her relationship with the water with a better word choice.
I love the concept, the Gateway, and the decision she has to make. Well done!
Hi!! Nice concept! congratulations!
You already have great suggestions here. I think to that it’s too short.
Also you have to have clear what is more important the romance with Devin or the decision between Fae ad human world. Which topic weighs more in the story. The one that weighs more is the one that you should focus here, if both you have to give the same importance to both because in this pitch I can’t see the paranormal romance. I’d label it as a YA paranormal only.
I hope it helps!
I’m going to agree with most of what’s already been said. This is a little on the short side. And, the age is a little too high. I’d also like to see you break up that super long first sentence. Make it more concise. Good premise, though. Good luck!
I think I’d skip the “alone in the world” bit and get right to her fear of drowning/water obsession–maybe say that “ever since her mother drowned” and then in sentence 2 hit us with, “but when her mom resurfaces” (except I wouldn’t actually say “resurfaces” because, you know, it’s a little “hardy-har-har” and would take people OUT of your story–which is not what you want).
Other than that, I’m not sure why the Fae are a threat. The stakes are not clear.
I like your premise! Best of luck!
I agree with Michaela’s comment about leaving off the last line about drowning unless you want to draw on it more as a figurative declaration so the reader can understand. Also, I like the title a lot; it captures your story idea well.
Good luck!
I agree with everyone. It sounds like an interesting concept, but it’s too long and not concise. And you add unnecessary data that you don’t mention after e.g Devin. maybe this is how you wanted to portray the romance element of the pitch. If you can’t fit that character in, you have to lose it. But I love Sarah’s suggestions.
All the best.
I like the premise – mermaids and sirens seem to be making a comeback at the moment, but I haven’t read anything with a selkie in it. I agree with previous commenters that more needs to be said about Devin and his importance to the plot especially if this is marked as ‘romance’. You also need to pick one genre – it is either paranormal or contemporary, can’t be both – it is too crowded. The issue with the pitch for me is that the stakes are not high enough – there has to be something really important that Meg has to do that hooks me to read this book.
Also, while I personally have no issue with the main character being 19, I agree with what was said. Unfortunately it might be a an issue for an agent/publisher – I haven’t read a YA book yet where the main protagonist is 19 – they may act like an adult and even grow into their late teens/ twenties as the series progress but they never starts off as 19…