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Dear (Agent):
Newly widowed Rachel Bracket escapes to Montana only to find danger, family secrets and a vicious surprise waiting in her backyard.
Rachel arrives into Sullivan to settle an unexpected inheritance that will fund a new life with her own antique store, far from the tortuous memories she struggles to put to rest. But while exploring the beautiful landscape behind her grandmother’s home, Rachel learns the Bitterroot Mountains conceal secrets and creatures from horror stories. She soon realizes those creatures stalk her in search of revenge for their pain and suffering. And they know more about her ominous heritage than she does. As she begins learning more about the family she never knew, a bounty hunter searches for Rachel, believing she is the key to a commission he’s only dreamed of. Only the haunting voice of a stranger, Leonardo, offers protection. Until he unveils himself – a man fused with a lion. Terrifying, impossible, yet somehow alluring.
Rachel isn’t sure who she can trust. But when the interior of her home is ripped apart by an intruder and a friend attacked, it’s clear there is no safe haven. All she’s certain of is that she is no longer running from her past, but trying to survive to make it to her future.
SHADOWS: A NEW BEGINNING is a Paranormal Women’s Fiction, complete at 85,000 words.
Thank you for your time.
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Dear (Agent):
Newly widowed Rachel Bracket escapes to Montana only to find danger, family secrets and a vicious surprise waiting in her backyard.
Rachel arrives into Sullivan, Montana to settle an unexpected (I took this out because, for me, it was raising too many questions that would be clunky to integrate into the query. I was trying to fix it, then realized it wasn’t necessary for the query) inheritance that will fund a new life with her own antique store, far from the tortuous memories she struggles to put to rest.(Hm, I’m not a fan of this last phrase. Maybe some of our wonderful commenters will have some ideas about it. Right now, I’m thinking delete it and add an adjective to “new life” that indicates a painful past) But while exploring the beautiful landscape behind her late? grandmother’s home, Rachel learns the Bitterroot Mountains conceal secrets and creatures from horror stories.
She soon realizes those creatures stalk her in search of revenge for their pain and suffering. (The reasons why the creatures stalk her are too vague for me. could it be something like “stalk her to avenge her family’s cruel tyranny” or something?) And (you get maybe one sentence starting with “and” or “but” per query. More starts to feel like a mistake) They know more about her ominous heritage than she does. As she begins learning learns more about the family she never knew, a bounty hunter searches for Rachel, believing she is the key to a commission he’s only dreamed of. and only the haunting voice of a stranger, Leonardo, offers protection. Until he unveils himself – a man fused with a lion. Terrifying, impossible, yet somehow alluring. I’m kinda confused about this stranger. The haunting voice makes me think of a Phantom of the Opera type situation. Is that what you’re going for?
Rachel isn’t sure who she can trust. (Can you show this instead of telling? Or maybe just take it out) But When the interior of her home is ripped apart by an intruder and a friend attacked, it’s clear there is no safe haven. All she’s certain of is that she is no longer running from her past, but trying to survive to make it to her future.
SHADOWS: A NEW BEGINNING is a Paranormal Women’s Fiction, complete at 85,000 words.
Thank you for your time.
Readers, please add your comments and suggestions down below!
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This is a good start, but it does need some clean up to get it to really shine. Sarah makes good suggestions.
I personally liked “far from the tortuous memories she struggles to put to rest.” I thought it was a good hook. I would like some explanation about what those memories are tho.
Good start. I don’t have any other suggestions beyond what Sarah has said.
I think the beginning of the query could be made stronger. It doesn’t really catch my attention. Part of it might be that I’m not really getting a feel for the main character. How does she discover the creatures stalking her? What is her ominous heritage? I think a bit more detail towards the specifics of the story might help you set your query apart.
I’m intrigued about the creatures, but I’m not really hooked by the story at this point. Also, I wonder what you mean by “a man fused with a lion.” How is he fused? Is he a were-lion? A centaur-like creature? A lion who stands on hind legs?
I kind of like the last line, but everything feels really vague. I agree with Sarah’s suggestions.
I’m curious to know what kind of creatures are stalking her (are they the same species as Leonardo?). I’d also like to see Rachel take a more active role in this query — it seems like a whole lot of craziness is descending upon her, but what choices is she making?
Sounds like you have a cool premise here. Good luck!
Thank you, everyone, for your wonderful feedback and suggestions. If it’s okay, I’d like to post another stab at this:
Dear (Agent):
Rachel Brackett arrives into Sullivan, Montana to settle an inheritance that will fund a new life with her own antique store. Her parents and friends call it running away. That’s just fine with Rachel, especially if running away means escaping the memories of her dead husband.
When local legends pique her curiosity, Rachel sets out to explore the beautiful landscape behind her late grandmother’s home only to stumble upon creatures that know more about her ominous heritage than she does. Shapeshifters, were-animals, and grotesque mutants seek to avenge her grandparents’ hideous crimes in genetic engineering. And even as she learns more about the family she never knew, a bounty hunter searches for her. Only the figure shrouded in the shadows of the forest, Leonardo, offers protection, until he unveils himself. A natural were lion with the perfect blend of human and feline features. Terrifying. Impossible. Alluring.
When the interior of her home is ripped apart by an intruder and a friend attacked, it’s clear there is no safe haven. All she’s certain of is that she is no longer running from her past, but trying to survive to make it to her future.
SHADOWS: A NEW BEGINNING is a Paranormal Women’s Fiction, complete at 85,000 words.
Thank you for your time.
The new version is a big improvement. The specifics definitely give a clearer picture of what the story is.
There are a couple of word choices that sound odd to my ears and break up the flow. They may be a matter of personal taste but I’ll point them out here.
“Rachel Brackett arrives into Sullivan,” Would sound better (to me) as arrives in, or arrives at.
“will fund a new life with her own antique store.” I like the sound of, a new life running her own antique store.
“When the interior of her home is ripped apart by an intruder and a friend attacked, it’s clear there is no safe haven.” I don’t think you need the “the interior of” in there, and I’d add an is between “friend” and “attacked.” It does work the way you have it but reads a little smoother.