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Dear Mr./Ms. Agent:
Seventeen-year-old Leslie Craven has picked up a few tips trying to dodge her mother’s mood swings: watch your step, stay on the sidelines, and take what you can get. Unfortunately, what keeps her under the radar at home works a little too well at school – sure, her football-player boyfriend has scored her a seat at the popular table, but nobody notices her sitting there.
Leslie wants a mom who thanks her for cleaning the kitchen instead of yelling at her for missing a spot, and a boyfriend who cares enough to be Rhett to her Scarlet at the big Halloween bonfire. When she discovers that the sparks flying between him and his lab partner aren’t limited to Chem class, she’s ready to throw in the tear-stained towel.
I can’t be sure since I haven’t read it, but it feels like this is where your story really begins, right? I’d find a way to shorten the above. That is, until she finds two unexpected friends whose families are just as screwed up as hers: Meredith, the cheerleader who rah-rahs her way through personal tragedy, and Dennis, the loner who substitutes smoke breaks for school lunches and always needs a ride. But when Meredith’s boyfriend I’m confused as to whether Dennis is the boyfriend or if that’s someone else puts his bad-boy moves on Leslie, she’s tempted to do more than help him cheat his way through English class, and I’d start a new sentence here she must choose between friendship, romance, and ending up right back where she started – alone.
ACCIDENTS AND INCIDENTS, a YA contemporary novel complete at 53,000 words, explores what happens when teenagers are forced to look out for themselves and each other because their parents can’t see past their own drama. Nobody likes being told how to feel about a book before they’ve read it and you’re flirting with that line. If you really want to keep this I’d rewrite this to say something like “features characters and explores themes that would appeal to fans of Sarah Zarr.” As such, I believe it will especially appeal to fans of Sara Zarr.
Thank you for considering my work, and I look forward to hearing from you.
This was a pretty good query, IMO. Though I do keep going back to “Leslie wants a mom who thanks her for cleaning the kitchen instead of yelling at her for missing a spot.” I think I’d take it out.
Also, I think I’d like a little more about Leslie. I feel like I don’t know anything about her that isn’t defined by her relationship with someone else. What makes her unique? Why should we care about her?
Commenters! It’s your turn, please provide any helpful comments/advice you have in the comments below!
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Actually, to expand on what Sarah said, it makes me wonder if Leslie isn’t defining herself by the relationships she has. I didn’t think of it until Sarah mentioned it.
Also, the 1st two paragraphs could probably be shorted as Sarah suggested. I do like the last paragraph, but I agree with Sarah on the the sentence talking about Sara Zarr. It might work the way it is, but you never know how people will take it.
Good query and I love the title. Very unique.
I agree with how Leslie defines herself. I thought the same thing.
If this is how she defines herself (by relationships with others) I think that the author needs to explain that Leslie worries about what others think too much.
I want to know a bit more about Meredith and Dennis, and how they come into her story. I followed everything until that paragraph, then got confused. It sounded like she was meeting new friends that would give her a different (and positive) perspective, but then that assumption never panned out.
Overall I thought this was very good, until that confusing paragraph. My suggestion (such that it is), is if you re-work the ending, giving us clearer information about what Dennis and Meredith introduce, you’ll have a very strong query. Good luck!!
I agree with what has been said so far. I want to hear more about Leslie so that I connect with her more completely. I’d also like to hear a little more about how Leslie’s life changes after she connects with her new friends.
Yes! How does Leslie change?
These are all valid points. The first two paragraphs contain much that could be eliminated without sacrificing the integrity of the pitch. It feels like there should be more focus on her relationships with Meredith and Dennis, espeically since the MC’s decision with Meredith’s boyfriend has much potential for disaster. If the mom relationship isn’t in the driving seat of the plot, I’d downplay for the pitch and focus on the important conflict: the girl who gets ignored and dissed is getting attention from the wrong guy, which could cause her world to implode. Good luck!
It does seem like the second to last paragraph is where most of the plot happens. It should get more than a couple of brief sentences.
Besides what Sarah suggested, the sentence “Leslie wants a mom who thanks her for cleaning the kitchen instead of yelling at her for missing a spot, and a boyfriend who cares enough to be Rhett to her Scarlet at the big Halloween bonfire” feels a bit long to me. Consider splitting into two.
Good luck!
Jennifer
I love your concept. I’m a huge fan of contemporary YA. I like that there are several strong plot lines going. And I think you do a good job handling them in the query. I would try to streamline the third paragraph a little more. Make sure it’s really clear who you are talking about, and what their relationship to the MS is in the story. Great job!
I love the voice in this! I agree with Sarah that the first two paragraphs are too lengthy and should be cut down. Also, I got hung up wondering how Leslie “finds two unexpected friends whose families are just as screwed up as hers.” Clear that up, and I think you’ll have a very catchy query.
I feel like you did a good job of keeping the query simple, for the most part. This made it easy for me to keep reading and stay interested.
I do feel like it took way too long to get to the point here. I thought this would be more about the MC and her mother’s relationship, but ended up being about high school drama. Which is fine, but I think starting with the hook of her mother’s abuse isn’t the way to go because it distracts the reader.
I also think too many characters were introduced. Maybe just introduce two, or find a way not to include names. That clutters it up with unnecessary details.
Good job, though!
You did a great job of integrating voice into your query. I was also confused about Meredith and Dennis’ relationship. Is the major conflict that if Leslie goes for Dennis she’ll lose Meredith’s friendship? Because I didn’t understand that she and Meredith had become that close of friends. (She sounded like one of the popular girls who was ignoring her in the first paragraph). Just a little clarification, otherwise I think this is a really great query!
Sorry this is almost a week late in coming, but I’m the writer of Accidents and Incidents and I just wanted to say thanks Sarah, for your thoughtful critique, and to all the commenters, for also offering some great insights. I struggle with finding that balance between not enough and too much information in a query, and it looks like I need to continue to work on that. I appreciate people taking time to be specific about what points were confusing. Your comments were really helpful, so thanks again!