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Jake lives life on the edge—of a pencil, that is. With his nose glued to his sketchbook, he is happy to ignore the outside world. The fact of the matter is, his voice hasn’t broken, he’s still as skinny as a spring chicken and girls don’t even know he exists. Nothing cool has ever happened to him—until he visits the city museum, where he learns the hard way why the signs say: Do Not Touch. I’d like to know how old he is. Other than that, I really like this. It tells us he’s just a regular boy without falling into the trap of sounding boring.
After brief contact with a sword, Jake suddenly finds himself is surrounded by skyscraper trees and people who blur the line between human and animal. If that wasn’t enough to make him curl up and hide I don’t like this, but I’m not sure why. “If that wasn’t enough” is weak and trite and I don’t think an upper-teenage boy curls up and hides, he discovers the locals believe he is the warrior foretold to defeat a genocidal tyrant. None other than the big bad wolf. This last line feels slightly awkward to me. Maybe play around with attaching it to the previous sentence?
There’s just one slight problem. The prophecy isn’t about Jake. And he’s the only one who knows it. I know you’re going for punchy, but it doesn’t work for me here. Maybe others will feel differently (commenters?), but I’d rather this be: There’s just one problem: The prophecy isn’t about Jake, but he’s the only one who knows it.
He’s landed clear out of his comfort zone and smack dab in a pile of dragonscat. Having accidentally stolen the place of another boy, he better adjust to a lifestyle on the sword-tip of danger if he wants to survive. After all, he can’t go around penciling people to death. Jake’s hope to draw himself in a new light quickly transforms into a race to defeat the wolf king before everyone he has come to know is exterminated. I just don’t know about this paragraph. I was really liking your query until this. It feels like too much pizazz and not enough substance. I’d like to know a little more about the challenges he faces and feel his motivation. Is there a romance involved? If so, I’d mention it here.
HAVOC’S KNOT is a 95,000 word YA Epic Fantasy novel with series potential.
Overall, it’s a pretty solid query and the things I’ve commented on are mostly small and simply suggestions to improve (as opposed to something that’s wrong).
I hope that’s helped our brave workshop participant. Readers, please add your comments and suggestions down below!
Don’t forget Brenda’s giving away chapter critiques to three lucky commenters!
I actually will disagree (gasp!) with Sarah on the two sentences about the Jake not being in the prophecy. I like that. I’d be interested to learn how he knows it and nobody else does.
I think Sarah’s problem with the curls up and hides bit is because we have no reason to believe that he’s would do that. Why would he? Is he that kind of person? We don’t have that info, so like Sarah said, it does sound odd. If it is important that he would want to curl up and hide, we need to feel it.
Other than that, I agree with what Sarah said. Just minor things here and there. Like the title. Also, I hope that his drawing does have some affect in this world. This reminds me a lot of the Spellsinger series by Allen Dean Foster. And now that I think of it, this sounds a whole lot like the Spellsinger series. If you haven’t read it, I would. People may make those comparisons.
Seconded re: prophecy lines. I like what you have.
Overall, my impression is that Jake is an awkward, immature, introvert. I think you told us this and still make him a sympathetic character though, so good for you! One thing to be aware of though, is that until I saw your last line with genre and word count, I thought this was MG. His age definitely needs to be included at the top so that we can read the query knowing he’s a 17-year-old (?) awkward boy… or is he younger? Could this be MG?
One or two more lines at the end about the conflict and stakes is needed to tie it all up, but overall I hear the voice and sense the story. Great work!
I’m going to re-itterate what Sarah and some of the other reviewers have said. The third paragraph lost me a little. I loved the image of a teenage boy armed with his drawing…does it tie into the story more? What does he change to work on defeating the wolf king? I want a little more to describe what is happening in the climax of the story.
I was with you through the first paragraph, after that the wording gets awkward. “a brief contact with a sword” doesn’t work to my ears. Does this mean he touches it? Also the world as described immediately brought Avatar to mind. Can it be described in a way that differentiates it a but more. How are the people animal-ish. “None other than the Big bad Wolf” makes me think this is the same wolf from the fairy-tales, which I don’t think is what the writer intended. And “pencilling people to death” also sounds odd. I think the wording is shooting for clever but hitting overdone. The story itself sounds fun.
I might be weird, but the thing that struck me as odd is that he is in a museum and apparently goes back in time, right? But to a fantasy world? But the MC gets transported from a place that illustrates the history of the “real world” with dinosaurs and cavemen to a “fantasy world” of dragons. It just felt weird to me.
But anyways, besides that, I agree with the above comments and I think your story sounds like it would be fun to read.
This starts so strong, but I immediately thought MG with the voice. The “curl up and hide” line doesn’t work with me either, espeically knowing that this is YA and not MG. It’s casts him as a weakling, immediately contradicting my impression of him as an artist. The “big bad wolf” makes me think reimagined fairy tale, but without intial caps on the word and an explanation as to who the big bad wolf is, I’m left confused. Is this fantasy? Reimagined fairy tale? As for puncuating and emphasizing the prophacy lines, I agree with Sarah’s suggestion. It has more impact that way. The last paragraph is vague, leaving too much of the plot/conflict to question. I want to know more about the goals, and what’s standing in his way. Is he trying to get home? I like how you tried to incorporate drawing references into the final lines, but I think it would be stronger to focus more on the plot instead of being clever with phrase. Good luck!
“Jake lives life on the edge—of a pencil, that is” is possibly the most catching line I’ve read it a long time! Excellent.
I agree with Sarah when using “The prophecy isn’t about Jake, but he’s the only one who knows it.”
Write well,
Jennifer
Thanks for liking that first line! It gives me a good laugh x)
I love your first paragraph. I get an idea who Jake is right away. Great job!
I don’t love the “big bad wolf” reference. And I want to know exactly how old Jake is. If the prophecy isn’t about him, who is it about? And what exactly is is stake in everything?
I think this is a pretty strong query. You keep it simple, and light-hearted, but also keep the tension present.
I’m not a big fan of this line: “There’s just one slight problem. The prophecy isn’t about Jake. And he’s the only one who knows it.” I see the purpose, and I like the hook, but it seems awkwardly placed. I’d also agree to take out this line: “None other than the big bad wolf.” Again, awkward.
Overall, good job!
I also totally thought this was MG until I started reading the comments! If it were MG I think the premise of a skinny artist doing battle against the Big Bad Wolf King is so great. I think it could help amp up the stakes if you give us an idea of how the people in this fantasy world become important to him. What adventures does he have? Does he make friends? You can just allude to this without naming names or going into detail. Other than that I love, love the pencil metaphors!
Ha! Dragonscat… great. Anyway, I too wonder how/if his drawing ties more into this other world. I’m very interesting in finding out more and would definitely read this. Overall, I agree with most of what the others have said. It’s still a very strong query… And I also like the pencil/drawing metaphors. Good job!
Glad you liked the dragonscat line!
I agree that I too thought it was Middle Grade. I pictured the boy to be 13 or so.
Thanks for all the great comments, everyone!
Sarah, I really appreciate your critique. Since the final paragraph seems to require the most tweaking, I’ve included a revision here. But to be honest, since I liked the one I posted, I don’t really know what needs to be added to make anything clearer or more distinct. I feel like the conflict and stakes are highlighted, so what specifics might make it stronger?
Here it is:
He’s landed clear out of his comfort zone and smack dab in a pile of dragonscat. What once was furthest from his mind—friends, fighting and females—is now part of his lifestyle on the sword-tip of danger. After all, penciling people to death won’t cut it if he wants a chance at survival. And he’ll take any chance he can get to draw himself in a new light. Even if that means pretending to have the slightest idea how to defeat the wolf king before everyone he has come to know and love is exterminated.
The main thing is it just feels really young. I know the age of your character is complicated, but age of the MC isn’t the only thing that determines the age category of a book. This revised paragraph doesn’t feel as young, though, but traditional MG elements like human-animal hybrids, a portal to a mystical land, and the big bad wolf don’t help. At least six people have thought it was MG or questioned the age, so it’s obviously something that’s throwing a lot of people off.
I would change “females;” it can often put people off because it’s generally used to describe animals, not humans. Especially coming from a male narrator.
Now that you’ve changed it up, the “After all…” sentence doesn’t make sense.
I think a lot of people want a better indication of whether or not his drawing skills actually have something to do with his activities in the new world or if you’re just using the metaphors.
The last paragraph is still kind of vague and general. Maybe try thinking of it in terms of what does he do as opposed to what happens to and around him.
Ok…here’s another revision of the final paragraph. I swear I won’t bug you after this lol It’s all been worth it since I was able to try and rethink things. Still very thankful to be in the workshop!
….There’s just one problem: The prophecy isn’t about Jake, and he’s the only one who knows it.
He’s landed clear out of his comfort zone and smack dab in a pile of dragonscat. If he wants to survive man-eating flowers and a friend’s betrayal, he must adjust to a lifestyle on the sword-tip of danger. After all, he can’t go around penciling people to death. Jake’s dwindling hope to return home quickly transforms into a race to defeat the wolf king before everyone he has come to know and love is exterminated. Even if that means painting himself as someone he’s not.
I like it.