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Dear Awesome Agent:
AJ Ashford curses too much, is failing French and holds top spot on her principal’s shitlist. She’d much rather play guitar than conjugate verbs, but when said conjugation is interrupted by a creature only she can see, the resultant spaz-attack sends her freak status at school rocketing, until she silences the star quarterback with her right hook. Suspension equals one unhappy dad.
Xander Sorokin, future commander of the demon-hunting Sentinels and heir to the Nephilim throne, is wanted for the murder of his foster father by the very people he was destined to lead. In his dreams, Xander remembers the feel of the sword as it cut down the man who helped raise him, can still feel the hatred coursing through his veins at that moment…only he doesn’t believe he did it. Can’t believe it. Hunted by his closest friends, he searches for answers, striving to stay one step ahead in order to keep his head. Until he meets AJ and her black eye, and his need to defend the weak awakens for the first time since his escape.
AJ doesn’t do demure damsel; she prefers to swing the verbal ax.
With AJ’s rejection still stinging, Xander’s past slips into the seat across from him, armed and dangerous. Exploiting Sanctuary law, Xander evades capture only to be ambushed by demons and used as a speed bump for AJ’s truck. While Xander fights to pull an unconscious AJ from the wreck, she is drafted into Xander’s war, sent back with an angel’s mission to help the antagonistic punk who caused her death. How can she help when she doesn’t know the problem? Or when she can’t be in the same room as him without wanting to slug him…or kiss him? One things for sure, when the two of them get together, Heaven and Hell better both watch out.
REMEMBERED, a young adult paranormal romance for fans of Cassandra Clare and Lauren Kate, is complete at 80,000 words.
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Dear Awesome Agent:
AJ Ashford curses too much, is failing French and holds top spot on her principal’s shitlist. She’d much rather play guitar than conjugate verbs, but when said conjugation is interrupted by a creature only she can see, the resultant spaz-attack sends her freak status at school rocketing, until she silences the star quarterback with her right hook. I love it. Suspension equals one unhappy dad.
Xander Sorokin, future commander of the demon-hunting Sentinels and heir to the Nephilim throne, is wanted for the murder of his foster father by the very people he was destined to lead. In his dreams, Xander remembers the feel of the sword as it cut down the man who helped raise him, can still feel the hatred coursing through his veins at that moment…only he doesn’t believe he did it. Can’t believe it. Hunted by his closest friends, he searches for answers, striving to stay one step ahead in order to keep his head. Until he meets AJ and her black eye, and his need to defend the weak awakens for the first time since his escape.
AJ doesn’t do demure damsel; she prefers to swing the verbal ax.
This following paragraph is where you lose me a little, so I’m going to try to cut it down and reduce some of my confusion.
With AJ’s rejection still stinging, Xander’s past slips into the seat across from him, armed and dangerous. Exploiting Sanctuary law, Xander evades capture only to be ambushed by demons and used as a speed bump for AJ’s truck. While Xander fights to pull an unconscious AJ from the resulting wreck, an angel sends her back to the land of the living with the mission to help Xander. she is drafted into Xander’s war, sent back with an angel’s mission to help the antagonistic punk who caused her death. How can she help when she doesn’t know the problem? Or when she can’t be in the same room as him without wanting to slug him…or kiss him? One things for sure, when the two of them get together, Heaven and Hell better both watch out.
REMEMBERED, a young adult paranormal romance for fans of Cassandra Clare and Lauren Kate, is complete at 80,000 words.
Wow, this was really good. The things I cut were places where I stumbled a little over the narrative and should help improve the flow. I will say that you are going to have some trouble overcoming the similarities to the Mortal Instruments.
Readers, please add your comments and suggestions down below!
Don’t forget Brenda’s giving away chapter critiques to three lucky commenters!
I think this is a really strong query. I really like your first paragraph. It draws me in right away. I think Sarah’s comments are great. And I think this is already strong. So, I just wanted to wish you good luck!
Awesome query. I agree with Sarah’s comments. I love the intro paragraph.
I agree with Sarah’s comments. The stuff she cut out was confusing. Some of the vocab was confusing to me and if you had explained more about it, then it would probably have taken away from the query. So to take it out is probably better.
I like the story but agree that the Xandercentric paragraphs felt a little convoluted. Also I see why AJ would want to punch Xander, but not getting why she might want kiss. Can you give some examples of chemistry between them? Right now it sounds like he is a pain in her butt.
It’s a little long, but man have you got the voice down-packed. Love it!
The voice is superb, especially AJ’s. :) “On the principal’s shitlist” says so much about her!! Great line!
The first two paragraphs are great. Then it loses me. Feels too long for a query. I’ve always been told 250 max for a query body, and you have 307. That last paragraph leaves me pretty confused. Not really sure what is going on. But Sarah made some great adjustments. And as Susan posted, I get the animosity, but attraction?? Nothing in the query tells us why she could possibly want to kiss him.
Good luck!!!!!
This is really strong, Kelly. There’s a great sense of voice and lots of action. I agree with Sarah in that I was getting a little lost in Xander’s side of things. It’s a bit long for a standard query, but with some tightening towards the end, I think it will rock. Good luck!
Great voice and intro! Like the others, I agree with Sarah’s comments, and you have a very strong query here. Good luck!
Your world seems riveting, and I like the MC.
I do feel the query is way too long. The first couple of paragraphs were good, but then I got overwhelmed and struggled to keep reading. I feel an entire paragraph should be cut.
Good job!
I’m fascinated by the first paragraph, especially since I can visualize the character’s actions. The second paragraph’s first sentences feels a bit long and wordy. I like the “verbal ax” comment. And I suspect there could be some interesting conflict between a character that likes to stand alone and a character that wants to help/redeem himself.
The fourth section got me a bit confused, because I wasn’t sure if AJ died or not. But I like the slug him/kiss him part and the part about Heaven and Hell both watching out. It sounds like you have a really dynamic character duo. I think Sarah’s suggestions may help with the confusion on the last paragraph.
Good luck! :-)
Thank you all for the great feedback! I’ve thinned the pitch down to 279, but i’m unsure if I can cut anymore without losing something important. Here’s the revised query.
AJ Ashford curses too much, is failing French and holds top spot on her principal’s shitlist. She’d much rather play guitar than conjugate verbs, but when said conjugation is interrupted by a creature only she can see, the resultant spaz-attack sends her freak status at school rocketing, until she silences the star quarterback with her right hook. Suspension equals one unhappy dad.
Xander Sorokin, future commander of the demon-hunting Sentinels, is wanted for the murder of his foster father by the very people he was destined to lead. In his dreams, Xander remembers the feel of the sword as it cut Sergey down, can still feel the hatred of that moment…only he doesn’t know why. Hunted by his closest friends, he searches for answers, keeping his head down. Until he meets AJ and her black eye, and his need to defend the weak awakens for the first time since his escape.
Only AJ doesn’t do demure damsel; she prefers to swing the verbal ax.
With AJ’s rejection still stinging, Xander’s past slips into the seat across from him, armed and dangerous. He evades capture only to be ambushed by demons, an attack which spills over to an innocent. While Xander fights to pull an unconscious AJ from the resulting car wreck, an angel sends her back to the land of the living with a mission to help the gorgeous and chauvinistic Xander. But how can she help when she doesn’t know the problem? Or when she can’t be in the same room as him without wanting to slug him…or kiss him? One thing’s for certain, when the two of them get together, Heaven and Hell better both watch out.
REMEMBERED, a young adult paranormal romance for fans of Cassandra Clare and Lauren Kate, is complete at 80,000 words.
Two small things. I think I’d get rid of “Suspension equals one unhappy dad.” Just because this doesn’t come back around again in the query and it feels a little awkward.
Also, I don’t like how you’ve changed it to “he doesn’t know why” from “he doesn’t believe he did it.” For me, the second is much more intriguing, while the first is too vague.
Oh, also, I’d cut “keeping his head down.” If he’s being hunted and is at all reasonably intelligent, I’d assume he’s keeping his head down.
Thank you. I’m still iffy on the “Hunted by his closest friends, he searches for answers.” Without anything following, I feel like I’m being left hanging. My gut is telling me to tie it to something, something like: Hunted by his closest friends, he searches for answers to questions no one is asking.